I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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