I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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