Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
