I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
