I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
