Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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