I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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