wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
