dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
