first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
