They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize