so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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