I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize