Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
