this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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