at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
