The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
as a side note pls kill me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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