I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
