I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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