There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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