so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
God I need to hump something, right now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
