I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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