I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
