Plan B is the new Plan A
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
