I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
