So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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