Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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