I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
