I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
