I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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