I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
