Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
