Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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