Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
