i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
