i may or may not be watching the land before time
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
