i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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