Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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