if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
