i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I need to stop coming to work sober
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
