Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
