You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Congratulations! We have a period
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