in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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