Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
