Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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