That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
