i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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