Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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