You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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