If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
