Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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