somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
