I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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