You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
