I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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