12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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