she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
