If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
