Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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