when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
